R: Root of the Problem #AtoZChallenge

This past weekend, Math Man and I had a date around our fire pit. It has been forever since we just sat outside after the kids went to bed. We didn’t have our phones. We didn’t have anyone to interrupt us. We even left the dogs in the house.

It was just the two of us, some fire, some drinks, and our new plastic chairs.

We were burning old bills and tax papers that we didn’t want to just toss in the recycling bin nor just shred and place in the trash. We’d been looking at that box of papers for months — maybe almost a year — and kept stumbling over it in our already too-crowded hallway that doubles as my office space.

Our original goal was to sit outside on Friday night, but the littles wouldn’t settle into bed, and I wanted to watch my Hulu version of Grey’s Anatomy while eating ice cream. Can’t do that easily from the fire pit. Plus, I had to pump again, and I was exhausted from an extremely long day.

Tension was pretty high Friday night. Math Man could sense that I was in a funk, and he just quietly closed the garage door without much reaction to my decision to forego our original plans.

But Saturday was different. I’d recharged by being out of the house and in the midst of adult humans. I felt better and wanted to spend some time with my sweetheart in the silence of the night.

So out we went into the backyard, monitor in tow, with zero expectations of what we’d talk about or do other than remove that eyesore of papers from our house.

The conversation started with a basic debriefing of how our day/week/bedtime had gone. We laughed about things the littles had done that the other hadn’t been present to witness. We chatted briefly about our plans for Sunday and how we’d wrangle everyone around church and naps and meetings.

Then, somehow, we finally started really talking to one another. Discussing more than just the small talk topics that we might share with our neighbors and acquaintances.

I lamented the state of the house and the stress that I’m under. I told Math Man how desperately I needed him to help me with a new set-up for my desk since the one where I sit is so tight and crowded that my working ability is stifled. 

He talked about the goals he had for the house and the yard. He expressed his frustration with my not-so-calm reaction to things.

And then he said what has stuck with me all week: “We’re slackers.”

We are totally slackers. We’re the root of the problem. 

Despite all the hard work we do on a daily basis, we aren’t pulling our own weight – and we know it.

We know full well where the trash goes. We both are capable of putting dishes away. We could take 2 minutes to have the kids pick up their toys. We could make Saturday night fire pit dates a priority.

But we just don’t do it. Because we’re tired.

I had recently had an epiphany about why I personally “slack.” When I’m by myself all day, I am working hard to keep everyone fed, clean, and rested. I don’t slack much during the day because I just don’t have time. But as soon as Math Man comes home, I trust that, as the other adult in the house, I don’t have to be as vigilant. So, I might play a couple of rounds of Candy Crush or watch a few videos on my phone. 

What could take literally 2 minutes to complete and make our evenings and lives a little easier, I’m allowing to be trumped by a 2 minute computer game.

It was an amazing moment when he talked about how slack we are. And that prompted deeper discussion about what we could do to remedy the problem.

We’re the root of the problem because we set the tone for our house and family. If we don’t have it together and work as a team, the rest of the house is going to flail.

The days following our fire pit date have been much better. Perfect? No. But better. Because I’m cognizant of the problem at hand, I’m finding myself putting out the fires before they can turn into a raging inferno. And Math Man and I are communicating much better than ever.

Tags: AtoZChallenge, parenting, relationships