It's more than just the holidays

When Miss Sassy Pants was four months old, I realized I would have a very different life than I had expected when I learned she was on the way. In May of 2004, I was ecstatic – pregnant with my first baby and no clue in the world how to handle what was on the way. Almost exactly one year later, the walls closed in.

Shortly after she turned 4 months old, life changed drastically. Her father moved out, and thus began the years of shifting a baby/child around for visitation and holidays.

It was ridiculously hard at first. The first time she ever got into his Jeep and drove away, I fell to the floor and wept. My heart wanted to stop beating, and I didn’t want to do anything for the entire time she was gone. It was like that for a while, actually. It was probably almost a year that I spent doing close to nothing when she was away from me. A couple of times, she resisted leaving me. That actually made it harder. To think that she was afraid or sad or missing me made it all worse. So, I put on my brave mama face. I decided then and there that she’d never know how much I died inside every time she left my side.

That was almost ten years ago. Now, when she drives away with her dad, it doesn’t hurt as much. I know she can speak up for herself, call me when she needs me, tell me about her adventures when she returns. It’s not as hard. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.

The worst is when the holidays roll around. Any other time of the year, it’s not such a bad thing. But the fall holidays?

This year, I really realized why I get so bent out of shape about the holidays and the family plans. It’s because — unlike anyone else in my family — I have to not only worry about my two boys and their schedules, but I must also figure out how to fit in time for Miss Sassy Pants. If she’s coming home in the afternoon of whichever holiday, we really only have after the boys wake from their naps until bed time to have any family time. Add in our extended families, and it’s even more complicated.

If she’s with us for the morning of the holiday, we have to hurry and squeeze everything in before she leaves. Again, finding time to be with extended family creates stress.

But you know what I learned so far this season? I’m apparently the only person it stresses out. I could learn to control this stress — and boy do I try. My best friend reminded me that the only control I really have is over my own reactions. I agree with her — mostly.

I don’t have control over the fact that my baby girl is not with her siblings and me on these very sentimental and family-filled holidays.

I don’t have control over the fact that it’s hard to create traditions if we have to change our schedule every other year.

I don’t have control over the fact that my family’s schedule is the only crazy one and to ask others to change is selfish.

My friend is right. What I do have control over is my reaction to this entire situation. I can attempt to buck up. I can attempt to find the silver linings (I get to have her at all, she loves her dad, she doesn’t have any idea that I’m this upset).

It is, however, more than just the holidays. If you’ve ever had to share the time with your child with someone else, you get it. It, for lack of a better word, sucks.

I’ve had people say I should take some time to myself — even when it’s her weekend with me. I can’t bring myself to do it unless it’s totally necessary. I already have built in “time off” when she’s gone every other weekend. A piece of my heart is missing when she is not here, and our family feels incomplete. Even the Animal — too young to understand any of the situation — calls us a “broken family” when she’s not here. He’s 3, and he makes that connection. Amazing.

Why are the holidays so hard? They are hard enough when you don’t have to shift people all around. They are harder when you do have to send a piece of your heart away at a time that it should be full.

Tags: divorce, holidays, parenting