How to Help Your Children Overcome Sibling Rivalry
My son was an only child for a long time. He didn’t want for anything, and loved the attention my husband and I lavished on him. All that changed just after his 13th birthday when we became foster carers.
Suddenly, we had a new 6-year-old to care for. She needed lots of love and care, and my son had a real bout of the green-eyed-monster. We watched our children fight like cat and dog one minute, and play harmoniously the next.
All parents know that sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up, but it can be a challenging time for everyone involved. If your children are at loggerheads and are fighting for your attention, here are some of the ways I helped my children overcome sibling rivalry:
1. Avoid alienation
When you have a baby or bring a new child into your home, they often become centre of attention for a while. This happened when we began fostering our first child, and my son complained of feeling alienated and left out.
Obviously this is upsetting for every parent, but knowing how to avoid this can help them overcome sibling rivalry and rows. I came across these great tips from Parenting Pink, which really helped the whole family settle into our new life.
Avoid alienating older children by:
Spending time alone with them and enjoy their favourite hobbies
Explain to them their new responsibilities as a big brother or sister
Tell them often that you love them just as much as you always did
2. Stay out of their rows
When my children first began arguing, I was quick to jump in and try and cool the tension. If you really want to help them outgrow this faze though, you should stay out of their rows and let them fight their own battles.
Parents.com agrees, saying you should let children get their bickering out of their systems. This is perfectly natural, and you taking sides could only cause things to escalate further. Obviously don’t turn a complete blind eye, but if your children see they’re not getting attention they will stop.
3. Defuse jealousy
The reason my children began bickering was because one of jealous of the other. If your oldest has been an only child for a long time, feelings of jealousy are only natural. We found a few ways of lessening these feelings and defusing bouts of rivalry:
If you have a baby, involve your older child in changes and feeding. This will give them a sense of responsibility and is something they are sharing with you.
Play together as a family, and be equally as encouraging of both of them.
Spend time with them both on their own, whilst the other does something equally as fun. This will help them learn that they can’t have your attention all the time, but that they can still enjoy themselves.
4. Give them their own space
My children both have their own bedrooms that they have decorated to their tastes. For us, it was important that they had their own space to enjoy their own hobbies. After all; my teenage son doesn’t want a pink room with a dolls house, and my foster daughter doesn’t want a room filled with games consoles.
If your kids have their own space, they can go here to cool down as well as play by themselves. This can also help keep rivalry and arguments at bay, as children don’t want to lose the privilege of their toys.
By playing separately as well as together, you can slowly but surely diffuse and overcome sibling rivalry.
5. Give them activities to do together
I found this to be the best way to help my children get along. We found a common interest – in our case it was baking and cooking – and got the children to make something together. They showed team work, they laughed, and were really proud of what they made.
This is one of the best ways to overcome sibling rivalry, as it helps them learn to play together harmoniously. There will always be little disputes in the process, but all is always forgotten when they present you with their handiwork.
Sibling rivalry is perfectly normal, so you shouldn’t feel like you’ve failed as a parent. These tips and tricks – and lots of patience – worked for me, and hopefully they can work for you too. I’d love to hear your ideas too, so please share them in the comments.
Rachael Walker is a full-time mother and foster parent. When she’s not spending time with her family, she writes a blog on parenting and life in Birmingham, UK: http://rachaelwriting.blogspot.co.uk/
