Eye Poking Spree
This week, I’m playing along with the Blogger Idol Play-At-Home prompt. You can, too!
This week the contestants have been asked to write a newspaper article about a fictional crime they have committed. There are a few guidelines though: You must include at least 2 images, and the post must be between 500-750 words. It must also be written in third person.
After several years of jokingly threatening the brutal demise of many eyeballs, blogger Lydia Richmond has been taken into custody for allegedly damaging and, in some cases, removing multiple organs of vision from students.
Authorities report that Richmond had been teaching the art of avoiding double modals (e.g., “might could”) when a student who has not yet been identified raised his hand to ask, “Mrs. Richmond, do we really have to learn this? I might could think of some other topics that are more important.”
Witnesses say that Richmond turned around with her dry erase marker and lunged for the student. It was then that the cap of the marker made contact with his eye, and the pandemonium began.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stated a fellow teacher. “She’s always so calm and patient with the students. I would never have thought it would come to this. An eye poking? Who would have thought?”
“He’d been antagonizing her,” said another teacher who was in the classroom observing Richmond at the time. “She was trying to talk about the linguistic choices that several regions of our country make when speaking. He continued to talk while she was explaining, and this usage of the double modal was the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
As authorities removed Richmond from the scene, she flailed her arms wildly and screamed, “It’s ‘I could think of some other topics!’ not ‘I might could!’ Get it straight, people!”
Students and other school faculty milled around in the courtyard as officials worked to secure evidence from the scene. There were reports of various items strewn across the classroom believed to have been part of Richmond’s arsenal.
“There were rulers and scissors and mechanical pencils everywhere,” claimed one very frightened student. “We were ducking under the tables to get away once she started going. Who knew grammar could be so dangerous?”
Former students have come forward since the event to speak on Richmond’s behalf.
“We always knew she was kidding. It was the classroom joke. She’d always say, ‘Don’t make me poke your eyes out.'”
As investigators work on gathering background information to decide what charges they should raise against Richmond, more students offered explanation as to why eye poking would be the attack of choice.
“She always taught Oedipus Rex to her sophomores,” said one student who had Richmond as a teacher for both sophomore and junior English. “It became a joke in the classroom — like Oedipus had raked his eyes out with his mother’s brooch, Mrs. Richmond would jokingly say that if we didn’t do our work, she might have to find a brooch for us, too.”
“We love her,” said one girl who was in Richmond’s journalism course for the third time. “Students line up to get into her class each year. I just can’t believe this happened.”
Richmond is known for her rapport with students and ability to encourage students to enjoy their time in English. Often seen dancing with fellow faculty cheerleaders at pep rallies, this violent act came as a surprise to all.
Neither Richmond nor her husband, a math teacher at the same school, could be reached for comments.
**In case you’re worried, this is completely fictional. While Richmond may very well go crazy over incorrect grammar or usage, you might could say she would never, ever harm a fly.**
